No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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