On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
