so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
