I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
