if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
