I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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