its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
