so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
