She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I want a musical about memes.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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