I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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