his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
