I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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