I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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