i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
