I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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