It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
