I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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