if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
