if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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