Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
