You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
