shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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