if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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