remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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