Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
