From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
