At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
