If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
