it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
