you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
