So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
