I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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