I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
