the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
