OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
