I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
