Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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