I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
