Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Randomize
