i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
