Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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