shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
