Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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