I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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