i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
