K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
