dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
