Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
