Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
