we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
